“You must not use this power! The Palantir is a very potent magic that cannot be underestimated. Hushed whispers hint that Sauron has one in his grasp and uses it to spy on the unsuspecting. Watch, I’ll just take a little peek to show you the sheer scope of its gazeAUAUAUUAAAGGHAHAUAAGAGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“Whose ship? OUR SHIP! Whose ship? OUR SHIP? What do we want? BOSTON HARBOR TO SMELL LIKE A FUCKING HALLMARK STORE! When do we want itAAUAUUAHAHAGHAAGAGAAAGGAHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“Sittin’s good. I like sittin’. Me and Jenny used to sit all the time. Sometimes we would sit in the park just like how I’m sittin’ right now. Lieutenant Dan was always real good at sittin’. After the accident, that isAAUAUAUAAGAGHAHAGAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“Oh man, MAN. Is today the day? Finally my long, grueling bout with strep throat has come to an end! Now everybody on Sesame Street will see that I have not been blowing smoke up their ass this whole time, I really do have the voice of an angel!! My dulcet tones will echo from every shitty brownstone wall in this destitute neighborhood full of weirdos, talking animals and undead! I just need to make sure to steer clear of any irritantsAAUAUAUGAHAGAUAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“This is Charlie Niner Foxtrot. I know our orders were about some big awful primate trying to occupy the Empire State Building, but all I see isAAYUUUUAHAUHAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“OK. Let’s run down how this day sucks. I get dragged to some weird place full of people who keep yelling about some shit that is NOT Teletubbies. I got a hot deuce in my diapey. My mom just handed me over to this creepy old hillbilly guy. What nextAAUAUAUAAAAAUAUAAGAGGGGHHHHHH”
“Worst. Day. Ever. I just want to get to my daughter’s birthday party. That’s all. That’s IT. And now this bullshit. Just one more fucking thing and I am going to lose itAAAUAUAUAAAGAGAGAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“Its been such a long day of pepper spraying protestors. I reallllllyyy need a break. Maybe I’ll just stand still in this park for a minute to catch my breath. Surely nobody will have a problem with me standing in the park? Shit, did I set the Tivo to tape Terra Nova? Did I just say that out loud? I don’t want anybody to know I watch Terra NovaAAAUAUUAAGHAGAGAHAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“We are a peaceful protest! We are non-violent! Well… OK so maybe there was a little violence. But come onAAUUAUUAUAHAHAGAGGAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“I hate rap rock! I so fucking hate rap rock! I hate it to the point where I think I am going to spontaneously combust! I mean really. Fucking rapping, and heavy metal? Christ. It BARELY worked on like two songs from the Judgment Night soundtrack! I am so mad right nowAAAUAUAUUAUUUAUAGAHAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“Man, today sucks. Everybody is all sad and crying and nobody wants to play with me. What the fuck. I mean can’t we just even play CHECKERS or something? Wait, it that Whataburger over thereAAUAUAGAGAGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“God DAMN its good to be on top. Swimming in babes, limitless power.. is that a Whataburger over there? I gotta tell the driver to make a pit stopAAAUAUAUAAAGAGAAGAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“I don’t care what that lady upstairs says, ‘Sigourney’ is a weird fucking name. I might be just some LV-426 townie girl, but we have normal names around here. ‘Rebecca’. That’s a normal name. Nicknames don’t count either, so here’s a pre-emptive ‘shut up’ for that. Why am I even talking to you, Casey? Oh that’s right, cus those asshole aliens only hissAAUUAUUAUUAHAHAGAHGHAGAGAGHHHHHH”
“I know its a bit gauche, but I was thinking that it might be sweet to marry my own daughter. You know, to keep the bloodlines pure. I am pretty sure that all that stuff about inbreeding leading to soft skulls and random nosebleeds is just made up by the church. Oh hey, little fella, where’d you come fromAUAUAUAHGAHHAUAUAHGAGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
